


Balancing Act

by VampireNaomi



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Break Up, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24576547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireNaomi/pseuds/VampireNaomi
Summary: Albert and Tickey break up.
Relationships: Albert d'Andrésy/Tickey Pasco
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	Balancing Act

**Author's Note:**

> This can be seen as a sequel/companion piece to [ A Glimpse Underneath](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16389107), but it's not necessary to read that first.
> 
> I honestly set out to write something cute and fluffy, but then it turned into this.

Albert was asleep. He was facing the other way, so Tickey couldn’t see his features, but the steady sound of his breathing made him sure. He was right here, and he wasn’t going anywhere for a little while. Albert wasn’t the type to loiter in bed, so had he been awake, he would have already gotten up to make coffee.

Or phone calls. Albert’s work had always gotten in the way of their relationship more often than Tickey would have liked, but it had been manageable before, something he could jokingly call him out on and get a sheepish smile in return. But ever since he’d taken on responsibilities as a consultant for the government, Albert had become unbearably hard to reach. He never had time for anything and was distant and easily irritable when Tickey talked to him.

Tickey closed his eyes and tried to think about how nice it was to be in bed with him, compared to the solitude he’d gotten used to recently. He should have been happy, but it was hard not to feel like he was still alone. Albert hadn’t come home to him. He was only here because the operation to take down Shake Hanz and Enzo Bron was over.

He reached for his phone to check the time. Not even four. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately. He woke up at odd hours in the middle of vague nightmares in which he was looking for Albert all over Paris but couldn’t find him, or ones in which he was trying to tell him something important, but Albert didn’t notice because he was glued to his laptop. He’d thought it’d get better with Albert back in bed with him, but clearly not. He was so tired it hurt to keep his eyes open, but he couldn’t sleep.

They’d have to talk. Albert was home now, but Tickey was sure that when the next big case came, they’d go through the same thing. He didn’t want to go on like this, but he was worried that if he brought it up, Albert would choose his work over him. He’d made it clear in the beginning that he was ambitious, but Tickey hadn’t realized this was what he’d meant.

He got up, carefully so he wouldn’t wake up Albert. He was a light sleeper and startled awake at the slightest sound, like he was always prepared for someone to stab him in his sleep. He didn’t even stir now, so Tickey guessed the military take-down and resulting bureaucracy had left him more exhausted than he’d admitted.

Albert’s apartment was too big for one person. Tickey doubted it’d feel cramped even if he moved in and brought all of his things with him. He’d grown up with two sisters and had lived with roommates as a student, so he wasn’t used to so much space and having it all to himself. He’d come by regularly while Albert had been busy, just to check that nothing in the fridge was going bad. The empty rooms with no signs of life other than what he’d left last time had made him feel increasingly unwelcome.

He sat down on the couch and checked his phone again. There was only one thing the world was talking about - the fall of Shake Hanz and PeopleLog. The official story was the same everywhere. Shake Hanz had been unmasked as a front for a terrorist organization with the goal of weakening world governments in preparation for a revolution. But he didn’t have to dig deep to find people arguing that Bron had been a hero out to reveal the corruption and unfair privileges enjoyed by the people in power.

It was generally accepted that Lupin III had played some part in the events. There were those who thought it was revenge for the humiliation Bron had put him through, and those who were sure Lupin had been a secret government agent all along. Others were wondering why there was no footage of Bron being taken into custody, what had happened to the people working for Shake Hanz, and how long it’d take for someone to create an improved version of their app. 

What was he supposed to believe? PeopleLog hadn’t been all bad. During its short lifespan, it had accomplished some real change in the world and shaken the system. On the other hand, the implications for privacy were horrifying, and he’d heard of a friend of a friend who hadn’t been out at work and had had her dating life exposed to everyone on her page.

The comments for and against the app twisted Tickey’s stomach, and not just because he was dating the man who’d played a key role in taking it down. Did he really have what it took to build a future with someone so high up in the law enforcement? Could he accept that there were sides of Albert he would never get to see, or that if he did, it’d feel like he was looking at a complete stranger?

It only made him feel worse, but for the next twenty minutes, all he did was read a news article and Twitter thread after another, trying to figure out what he should think. Albert would never give him all the facts. He had to look for the truth elsewhere.

“What are you sitting here for?”

There was a click as Albert turned on one of the table lamps. It gave them enough light that Tickey could see his face but didn’t have to wait for his eyes to adjust.

“I couldn’t sleep. Sorry if I woke you up. Just go back to bed.”

“That’s unusual. What’s wrong?”

Tickey slumped on his side on the couch so he wouldn’t have to look at Albert. _Now_ he asked him what was wrong, when it was convenient for him. He hadn’t bothered to act like he cared about him over the past _months,_ so it was a little too late to start again now.

“You only think it’s unusual because you haven’t been around lately,” he said.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Tickey didn’t bother with a reply. He knew this would go nowhere good, but it felt satisfying to be this petty. It was finally his turn to have a shot at hurting Albert. It was like picking at a scab even as you knew you were just making it worse. He didn’t want to be sensible and talk about it like an adult. All the horrible thoughts he’d kept to himself were threatening to burst out.

Albert inhaled slowly. “I know I’ve been working too much. You don’t have to tell me. But with the recent situation -”

“Don’t give me that. I know. There hasn’t been anything but PeopleLog in the news for weeks.”

“Then why are you mad?”

Tickey didn’t want to have to explain it. It was so obvious. But if Albert didn’t realize what was bothering him, it had to mean he didn’t see a problem. If Tickey told him how unhappy he’d been lately, it’d be the same as acknowledging that they saw their relationship differently. He didn’t want to be left standing as the idiot who’d assumed too much.

“I missed you,” he said. He hadn’t had the guts when Albert had come home. He’d been worried that when Albert said it back, he wouldn’t believe him. He’d also been disappointed in himself. He’d told Albert, back when they’d started dating, that he’d understand and support him when he was busy, but he hadn’t been able to do that. 

Albert hadn’t let him do that. He’d completely distanced himself from him, and Tickey was convinced it was on purpose. How quickly a boyfriend became a burden when you wanted to focus on something else, something more important.

“Oh. And I -”

“I don’t feel like you missed me, so don’t say you did. You didn’t call back when I tried to reach you, or reply when I texted you. You told me not to wait for you at your place because you’d come home late, if at all. You were avoiding me.”

“Don’t be like that. It was never an emergency. I was too busy for idle chat. You said you were fine with it!”

“I didn’t realize you meant it like that! You’ve been busy before, but this was like we were taking a break. Is that what you wanted?”

“Of course not. This case took longer than I thought, that’s all. I was so focused on my work, I didn’t notice -”

“That’s exactly the problem! Do you even love me if you can go that long without remembering I exist? Did you think I’d be waiting here until you were ready to come back and that we’d just go on like nothing happened?”

“This is ridiculous. I can’t talk about this right now. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in three weeks,” Albert said. It was the first time during the conversation that there was anger in his voice. It was exactly what Tickey had thought he wanted, but even now it felt like Albert’s feelings weren’t directed at him. He didn’t know what he was angry at, but it wasn’t him.

“Okay. Be my guest,” Tickey said. He got up and walked back to the bedroom. Albert stayed behind, and at first Tickey thought he wouldn’t follow him. Then he heard his steps and how they stopped at the bedroom door.

“What are you doing?” Albert asked.

“Getting dressed. I’m going home.”

“At this hour?”

“I’ll call a cab.”

“You’re being childish and unfair. I have no idea what you want from me. Can’t you just stop playing this game and tell me what you expect me to do? I can’t leave things unfinished at work when there’s an international crisis and come home just because my boyfriend is lonely.”

“What I want is for you to start being honest with me! None of this where you do whatever you want and when I have a problem with it or ask you about it, you brush me off by saying you can’t tell me anything because it’s top secret government work and I just have to live with it. For all I know, you’ve been having an affair with someone for weeks.”

“Oh, for the… That’s ridiculous!”

“I don’t know. Is it? I’m beginning to realize I don’t understand you nearly as well as I thought, nor what it is that you want from this relationship. I thought we were doing well and that we could… I don’t know. I feel like an idiot saying this now, but I was having long-term dreams about the future. That can’t work if you’re going to shut yourself off from me whenever you’re busy and act like I don’t exist. That’s not the kind of relationship I want.”

The look on Albert’s face was indescribable, like he’d just been slapped. Tickey couldn’t understand what it was about his words that had gotten that reaction. Wasn’t he just stating the obvious?

“Are you going to leave me?”

Albert’s voice was drained and quiet. Tickey didn’t like how resigned he sounded, like he wasn’t even going to try convincing him to change his mind. The disappointment made his head spin. He’d been sure Albert would try to stop him from leaving, that they’d fight, then talk and make up.

Clearly, expecting too much was becoming a pattern.

“I need some time to think. At least I’m gracious enough to say it when I want a break.”

He didn’t slam the door on his way out because he liked the old lady who lived on the same floor, but the quiet click as he closed it behind him was unsatisfactory. He’d fantasized about ending everything with a bang and about Albert running after him.

He called a cab once he was outside. It wasn’t cold and there was already a hint of sunlight, but he felt chilled to the bone. Standing outside at such an early hour when everything around him was still asleep always had that effect on him. The sounds of distant cars and footsteps on the sidewalk were unfamiliar like they came from another world.

“So, I guess that was that,” he said to himself and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket. He should have just left Albert over text if this was how anticlimactic it was going to be. He guessed he should have felt something more at ending a relationship that had meant so much to him. Maybe he’d already made peace with losing it over the past few weeks.

He tried to remember if there was anything of his at Albert’s place that he’d have to go back for later. His mind wouldn’t work with him. He was sure there were some clothes at least, but he was drawing a blank. Did Albert have anything over at his? Wasn’t there an unfinished book under his bed? Would he want to keep that weird mug Tickey had gotten for him as a joke?

He’d think about the logistics of removing Albert from his life later, he decided when he spotted the headlights of the cab. It was too much right now. Tickey waved to get the driver’s attention, glad to get away from the quiet streets. The inside of the car smelled of take-out and coffee. He felt better with his back against the seat and the sounds of the world left outside.

It was normally some half an hour to his place by car, but the streets were almost empty, and they didn’t have to slow down so often. Tickey stared out the window and tried not to think about anything, especially the following day. He hadn’t made any plans since he’d thought he and Albert would have it all to themselves. He’d already put some things together for breakfast so they could have it in bed.

The driver tried to make small talk, but Tickey turned him down, muttering his words into the palm he was leaning his chin on.

“I think I just broke up with my boyfriend. I’m not feeling chatty.”

“You think? Oh, well. It happens.” The man paused for a moment. “Though if you aren’t sure, I guess there’s still a chance?”

Tickey hadn’t thought the night would end like this. Albert had looked tired but happy when he’d come home. He’d called ahead to ask if Tickey could have food ready for him, and it really should have been his moment to ask if he was his cook and not his boyfriend, but Tickey had been too relieved to hear his voice. He’d been sure they’d talk it through and go to bed feeling much better.

Except that they hadn’t talked. He hadn’t been able to bring up the lonely hours, the countless times he’d checked his phone for any messages, or the growing resentment of realizing that the only way for him to see his boyfriend was to turn on the TV.

Albert had walked in like it was any other night after a job well done. Like they hadn’t just had what he could only call a badly managed long distance relationship even though they lived in the same city. Just a hello, what a long day, hope you had it easier, all said casually like it was the most obvious thing in the world that Tickey was at his place waiting for when he’d deign to take a break from his career.

Tickey wanted to be mad. It’d have been so much easier if he could lash out with all he had against the way he was being treated and let his anger burn away his love. But he couldn’t. He just felt like an idiot who’d been used the whole time. He’d thought they had something worth saving, but clearly he was the only one. Albert hadn’t even wanted to talk or stop him from leaving.

If only he could be mad, but it just hurt.

The cab took one more turn, and they were already in front of his apartment building. Tickey handed over his card to pay, a heavy feeling settling in his gut. He didn’t want to get out of the car. Once he did, he’d be home. No longer on the way back from Albert’s. It’d be over.

He fumbled as he put in his PIN and got it wrong. He bit back a curse and wondered how pathetic he had to be in the driver’s eyes.

Just as he was about to try again, his phone started ringing. He’d kept the sound on lately so he wouldn’t miss a call from Albert, but he hadn’t realized it was this loud.

“Sorry, I’ll do this quickly,” he said and began to punch in his PIN again.

“Maybe you should take the call. It’s not like I’m in a hurry to pick up anyone else.”

Tickey swiped the red icon, and silence filled the car once more. He paid quickly, got out and turned off his phone. He couldn’t talk to Albert right now.

After a few hours of tossing and turning on his bed, Tickey started to feel that it had been hasty and stupid to bring up his issues when they were both tired and high-strung. He should have waited, and then he would have been able to pick his words better and make Albert understand.

It wasn’t too late; he could try again, he decided, clinging to the compassion in the cab driver’s words.

He never expected that just some half a day later, he’d turn on his phone and listen to a voice mail from Albert telling him he’d been right; they were clearly expecting different things from their future, and it was better to end it.

***

Albert wasn’t the kind of man who liked to plead, so a small part of him felt relief when Tickey didn’t pick up the phone. He didn’t know what he would have said anyway. Telling him to come back wouldn’t solve anything when there were no promises he could make or explanations he could give.

The rest of him, however, was overcome with fury and disappointment that momentarily made his world crooked and awoke an urge to destroy something. Anything. Just to lash out at things not going like he’d expected.

“Oh, for the -”

Frustration at his own inability to do anything gripped at his throat, and he had only just about enough self-control that when he threw his phone away, he aimed at the bed and not the floor. Moments passed with him being aware of nothing but his blood in uproar in his veins, but then the violent impulse began to wane with every breath he took. 

He had to calm down. Something like this couldn’t be his breaking point.

Albert sat down on the edge of the bed, feeling his earlier exhaustion come back, only worse. He ran his fingers through his hair and glared at the floor as if he could find some answers there.

It wasn’t supposed to go like this. He’d come home feeling so triumphant! He’d just pulled off a grand heist in front of the whole world and added Enzo’s partner to the tools at his disposal. A lot could have gone wrong - maybe Ling didn’t want to join him, maybe he didn’t try to flee through the route Albert had counted on, maybe Lupin had predicted that Albert had ulterior motives for the military strike and tried to stop him from getting his target - but he’d prepared a plan B for every scenario, the way a good thief was supposed to.

He hadn’t prepared anything for his boyfriend walking out on him in the middle of the night. He didn’t know what to do. Tickey’s anger had taken him entirely by surprise, and now he felt like an idiot. He should have seen it coming.

This was history repeating itself. Tickey’s words had brought him back to over ten years earlier when he’d still lived as a thief. Many of his relationships back then had ended with these same accusations - why did he disappear for weeks on end and didn’t like to talk about where he was or what he was doing? Not a lot of people could tolerate that in a relationship, and those who hadn’t minded had been a bad match in other ways.

He’d thought he wouldn’t have to face this problem again. For as long as he’d been building his cover, rising in position and acting like an honest civil servant, everything had been perfect. He’d been able to live like a normal man.

Years ago, Lupin had rolled his eyes at him and told him he should just go for hook-ups or find a boyfriend who knew the ropes in the underworld. Albert had always said scoffed at the thought. He’d had grand dreams even back then, and he’d known the life he’d lead one day wouldn’t have room for a boyfriend with a criminal record.

Hook-ups rarely satisfied him. He wanted to let his guard down for a while without worrying that he’d get a knife to the side when he was vulnerable. He had no idea how Lupin could be so easy-going, but then again, not a lot about Lupin had ever made sense to him.

Albert rubbed his face and tried to get his mind back on track. The past didn’t matter. He had to think about today and how he was going to fix this. There was nothing he could do right at the moment, and he needed more sleep. He’d make plans in the morning. A few hours could not be the deciding factor in what happened next.

***

Albert startled awake, feeling terrible. He had a headache, like he hadn’t gotten any rest and was only more tired than before. Sunlight was peeking through the curtains, but he had no idea what time it was. He’d set an alarm, but he’d woken up before it.

As tired as he was, he didn’t want to go back to sleep. It was hot in the room, even though he’d kicked off the duvet. He felt around for his phone and squinted at the screen. Only quarter to seven. No missed calls or messages.

He wondered if Tickey was up and if he’d answer if he called him. Maybe it was too soon and he hadn’t had time to calm down yet. And Albert still had no idea what he’d say that’d make him come back.

So much for being a shadowy puppet master, he thought wryly and trudged into the kitchen to make coffee. How was he to control the government if he couldn’t convince his boyfriend that he loved him?

Though he tried, there was little amusement to be found in that thought. He didn’t want to fabricate half his life to make Tickey stay with him. Up until now, he hadn’t had to do that, just leave some things unsaid or hide behind the excuse that he couldn’t talk about his work. And that had been true for a while. Most of his work was legitimate cases for the Judicial Police. 

Everything had begun to change when he’d tried to get his hands on the black notebook. Not just that he had to spend more time covering his tracks and plotting to keep everything under control. The past had been on his mind a lot. He’d become restless after his adventure with Lupin, like something had awakened in him that wasn’t satisfied by his current life. Tickey had noticed, but what was Albert supposed to tell him?

Honesty would take him nowhere. If Tickey knew he was a thief and a killer and trying to catch the entire country in his web, he’d not just leave him but hate him. Even if it turned out he felt some sympathy for his motives, he'd feel betrayed by his methods and the dishonesty throughout their relationship. In the best case scenario, he’d just never talk to him again, but knowing him, he’d try to expose him, and then… Albert didn’t want to finish that thought, frightened by what he knew he’d have to do in that situation.

But if he didn’t tell him, they’d be having this same fight over and over again. Tickey wasn’t dumb. He might buy the lies once or twice, but in time he’d stop believing him when he said his work wouldn’t come between them again. In the end, the result would be the same as if he told him everything, just slow wear and tear instead of the trapeze violently snapping in two.

He couldn’t have everything he wanted. It was Tickey or his ambitions, and he was long past the point where he could even make that choice. Some of his machinations ran so deep they’d collapse on themselves if he pulled out, and they’d take him and his career with them. He’d have to go back to the underworld. Lupin would get to laugh at him and mock him for all the wasted years and effort.

Albert let his eyes move around his kitchen and take in details he hadn’t noticed when he’d come home. Just from the way the utensils and containers had been moved around, he could tell Tickey had been making food and keeping it in the fridge just in case Albert came home. He didn’t even live here, but he’d come by regularly to check up on things, without Albert having to ask. That was what people in a relationship did, helped and supported each other.

He’d taken Tickey for granted. He’d really thought he could focus on his plot and that Tickey wouldn’t mind being left alone. Foolishly, he’d even imagined how happy they’d be to spend time together again, as if that’d make up for how lonely and unwanted he’d made him feel.

It was tempting to think he’d done it to keep him safe so he wouldn’t become tangled in his schemes, but then he would have been lying to himself, too. If there was anything he’d been trying to protect with his actions, it was the comfort of having a relationship, not Tickey specifically.

He battled with the urge to dash to the bedroom, grab his phone and call Tickey to say he hadn’t meant his callous words last night and ask if he could come over to talk. But “I’m sorry” and “I love you” weren’t enough to do more than cover up the rot that was still there.

And with that, he was forced to admit that he could get over losing a boyfriend but not the plans that he’d been preparing for years. It was crystal clear that he’d been a fool to get into this kind of a relationship. He should have kept it more casual, but he’d gotten pulled into wanting more and more and thinking he could have a future with someone even when he wasn’t willing to share enough of himself. Everything that was genuine between the two of them was something Tickey had brought to the relationship.

Albert’s thoughts turned to Lupin again. Lupin, and his exasperated sigh when he’d made comments about Albert’s love life. Lupin, who gave his love to anyone who caught his eye and didn’t worry how long those relationships lasted or where they’d take him. Lupin, who was such a wandering soul that he could never be satisfied being with only one person. Albert had always found him and his way of life incomprehensible.

And yet, out of the two of them, it was Lupin who had loyal people by his side. Albert didn’t know how far his relationship with them went, but the look the samurai had given him on the bridge with Lupin bleeding out between them, and the devotion he’d seen in Jigen during their brief encounter made him wonder. They were men who’d put their lives in Lupin’s hands and were content with it.

Lupin had mocked him for having no thieving buddies. Albert hadn’t thought twice about the comment, having forgotten about it as soon as the next line of endless banter had been tossed between them. It was all that filled his mind now that he was sitting alone in his kitchen that Tickey had been looking after for him for weeks.

He had nobody. The whole relationship had been one big lie that even he’d swallowed.

If he’d known he’d have to end it, he would have at least liked to do it in a way that didn’t hurt Tickey so much. He could have said something else last night. Now Tickey’s last memory of their relationship would be how lonely he’d felt for weeks and then the confirmation that he wasn’t as important as Albert’s work.

Briefly, it crossed his mind that he could mend things for now and find another way to do this. He wanted to see Tickey again. He wanted to apologize for how he’d treated him and get him to smile again. He was going to miss him so much, he realized, now that he knew he had to let him go.

He’d felt triumphant after the Shake Hanz operation, having thought that Lupin had to have noticed the whole thing had been a front so he could steal Ling and take one step closer to his goals. It had been an exhilarating victory. He’d plotted his every move carefully and used both Lupin and Bron as chess pieces. Lupin hadn’t been able to stop him the way he’d done with the notebook. Albert had come out on top this time.

Now, despite everything having gone exactly according to his plans, it suddenly felt like he’d lost again, without Lupin having to lift a finger. He’d spent years spinning his web and hadn’t realized that he’d gotten caught in it, too. 

He was overcome by the fear that no matter what he did, it’d always be Lupin laughing in the end.


End file.
